Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie Part 1

Oh god this movie, guys. THIS MOVIE, GUYS. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH ALCOHOL IN ALL THE LAND.

So we start off with a really bad scrolling text Star Wars ripoff. Only this movie is the tiniest fraction of coolness that Star Wars is. And I'm even talking Episode 1 here, people, that's how much I hate this movie.

Lerigot is a wizard. He's actually the mutated child of an Ewok and a Monchichi. He is being chased by weird fish robot looking things. He manages to get himself to Earth, where he is stranded somewhere in Stereotype Land Africa. I keep hoping he'll run into Aisha. That would totally make this movie worthwhile. Alas, he meets a family of chimpanzee instead.

In Angel Grove, Rocky is trying Very Hard in a boxing ring while doing martial arts. He fails at fighting Tommy. He fails at fighting Adam. He fails at kicking a gloved fist, falls out of the ring, and messes up his back. THIS IS NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN. And that's not just my love for Rocky talking, that's "this actually cannot happen" talking.

Meanwhile, Kat and Tanya are on a bus full of children from the local orphanage. They are singing rounds of Row, Row, Row Your Boat. NOBODY wants to sing that on a bus. No wonder Justin looks all sad and mopey. I'd be sad too if I were trapped on a bus full of people singing rounds of Row, Row, Row Your Boat. Justin sees Rocky being hauled away in an ambulance. Justin now REALLY has a sad.

Then we meet Divatox. She is strong and powerful and awesome. Except I'd respect her a lot more if she wore more clothing. I mean, why does an amazing woman need to wear what amounts to underwear and a bit of string... while attempting to attract a man/monster/lava thing? Really? *sigh* I do not like any of her henchmen. This... is not going to be the best season ever.

Justin goes to visit Rocky in the hospital. He is flat in bed with a neck brace on and an IV. He is clearly high on morphine. He doesn't notice Justin and the rangers come in right behind him, so Justin hides under the bed. Instead of asking how Rocky is doing or trying to make him feel better, they have a conversation about Justin. Because they are BAD FRIENDS. Zordon contacts them and they teleport away. Justin witnesses it all.

Kat and Tommy are sent to Africa to find Lerigot using a Star Trek The Original Series tricorder (Billy totally created Starfleet). Why, I have no idea. Wouldn't Tanya be the better choice, since on Planet Angel Grove, Africa is a small continent where everybody knows everybody else and there is only one small grouping of animals, mainly lions, which is where Aisha is? WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN AISHA. Kat gets hurt, of course, after spending lots of time screaming for Tommy and flailing in the water... she was the Olympic diver, y'know, not Tommy! Oh show. Anyway, they get Lerigot and get him back to the Power Chamber. Moving on.

Somehow Bulk and Skull are back on the Police Force. No talk of France or leaving their fake!Daddy or anything. They managed to get captured by Divatox and her crew, but not before accidentally covering Lt. Stone in mustard. Their minds have been wiped. Bulk now thinks he's German and Skull thinks he's Spanish. It's... odd. Jason and Kim are scuba diving near Divatox's ship and they get captured too. We like to believe Kim went to comfort Jason after his power loss. Divatox uses Lerigot's wife, whom she has kidnapped, to send him a message. She shows Zordon that she has Lerigot's wife and child, plus Kim and Jason. Lerigot prepares to give himself up.

Zordon shows them the new Turbo Zords and gives them Turbo powers. Adam gets a minivan. I love minivans, and I'm not being sarcastic. I really actually love minivans. *is weird* So anyway, we get no mention of why the Zeo powers cannot be used. No mention of what happened to the Zeo powers. It's as if they just... disappeared. Adam asks about Rocky's Zord and is told it'll just stay there for awhile. They take off for a lost pirate ship. Once they get there, the blue Turbo Zord shows up. Out steps the new blue ranger, who is presented as THE NEW BLUE RANGER, and not the Temporary Replacement Blue Ranger. It's Justin. IT'S JUSTIN YOU GUYS. Tanya makes the exact face I made the first few times I watched this. It is the BEST FACE EVER. She is clearly confused and horrified at this new turn of events. WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK? I BLAME THE IMMENSE AMOUNT OF MORPHINE ROCKY WAS CLEARLY ON.

They see the pirate ship off in the distance. They manage to get to the pirate ship with their zords. They manage to get ON the pirate ship where Justin finds a box of treasure. They use their Turbo morphers to make the ship set sail. Meanwhile, Divatox has found them and launches living torpedoes at their ship. GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE.

To be continued in Part 2...

5 fish. Oh god, why isn't it over yet???? I hate this movie. I HATE THIS MOVIE.